Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
