I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
