Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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