My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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