There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
