my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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