Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
