i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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