I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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