My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
