I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
