the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
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which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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