Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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