I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
