She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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