ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
