Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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