You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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