Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
