Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
