I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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