If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
