I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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