Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
