This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
