Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
