Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
