My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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