I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Randomize
