Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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