I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
