i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
