I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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