Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
