don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
