I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
