please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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