look no pants
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
