thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
