i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
