I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
