my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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