So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
