I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
