I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
