Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
