I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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