It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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