i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
