Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
