So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
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I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.