What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son