Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
