I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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