Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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