You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
