Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My vagina is officially offended.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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