Define "chronic" masturbator.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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