She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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