Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
