He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
